Valuable life lessons

Cari Amici,
Well I'm in Sassari. This is probably my last city, and I have been reflecting back on my mission, and the time right before my mission and everything in my life in general that led me up to this decision. When I was 17 I was accepted into BYU provo, and I had to kind of assess my life to decide what direction I was going in, and what I really wanted, and at that point in my life I decided to make the Savior and his gospel the center of my life. That was a huge defining moment in my life. It changed my whole life. It's the reason I went to BYU, met some of my best friends, decided to go on a mission, learned a second language, and met even more amazing people who are literally my world.

It's been three years since that happened and I have felt pretty content with where I am, but I'm having kind of a similar experience right now. It's true I am an ok person. I am serving a mission, I follow the rules, I read the scriptures every day, I try to be kind to others, but I kind of feel the way that I did when I was 17, like it's time to step up and decide where my life is going. If I stay the way that I am, I will have a good life. I will magnify callings, I will probably get married in the temple (it's never a good idea to be to sure about that one), and I will probably be happy enough, but I feel like it's time to step up again. I'm trying my hardest to take everything that I have learned ever (more specifically in my mission, but in general) and really make myself happier through it.

I have always been very concerned with making things appear perfect, even if they aren't even close to ok. I tend to avoid contention at all cost which has turned out to be a huge weakness in my mission, because part of that entails that I avoid contention at all cost. If I don't like something that my companion, or my district leader says or does, I usually choose to just smile through it, even if I am inwardly furious. In my real life this worked ok, because if someone bothered me, I could just not talk to them and then call my mom and tell her what a jerk they were being, but it doesn't work as well in my mission, mostly because president says I can't call my mom. :( But also it has been really destructive to my relationships. It has made me resent people, even if they feel like we are really good friends. It has made me doubt the sincerity of people's kindness, because if I spend so much time in my head silently resenting everything everyone else does, what is going on in their heads? It has made people feel comfortable saying hateful, unkind things to me, because they know that I won't ever stand up for myself. This has been a huge stumbling block in my mission, specifically in my last area.

When I came to Sassari two things happened a) I decided that even if I had to be an absolute jerk, I was never going to let people treat me that way again, and b) I started training, which put me in a position where no matter how badly I didn't want to correct my companion, I had to because if you do certain things in Italy that are perfectly legal in America, we could get a hundred dollar fine. For example, the verb for leaving and giving birth are similar, and telling my companion that she just asked that member if she was going to give birth after sacrament. So I had to become ok with correcting people, and a lot of my resentment went away, I started feeling more on control of my life. I started getting better at taking criticism, and I started trusting that maybe people do care about me and want to be my friend. So my biggest lesson of being a missionary is communicate, and then forgive I guess. So even though it's hard I'm going to try to incorporate these things, and live my life at a higher level, so that I can be an even greater instrument in the hands of the Lord.

Random change of topics, I love training, I love seeing a person grow, I love seeing the type of influence that I can have on another person. We have been working on the first lesson, and we were able to teach it together (to an actual investigator!!!!) for the first time yesterday, and I loved hearing her say things that she had heard me say, and knowing that the type of missionary I am now will affect the type of mission that she will have for the next year and a half. It also makes me a better missionary. I want to be a good example, so I do everything to the best of my ability. I am more obedient than I have ever been, and I am better at talking to people on the streets, which has led to some amazing conversations.

Another random tangent, we have no work, well that's not fair, we have one investigator. His name is Alessandro His first language in Sardo, and he didn't finish school so his Italian is shaky at best. Sometimes he tries to teach me Sardo, because it would be much easier for everyone if I spoke that language, which just makes my life very complicated, because sardo is not a dialect. I can usually figure out dialects, but Sardo is a completely different language, it's not even close to Italian. But all in all Alessandro is pretty cool. He believes that all churches are true, he just is looking for the one that fits him best. He is looking for a church that isn't full of hypocrites, and he is pretty sure that our church is the one that he wants to unite himself with, because he likes the people and how much natural light there is in our church (direct quote, catholic churches are very closed so you can't see very well in them, which I guess could be annoying...) but he is having a very very hard time grasping our doctrine. He is pretty sure that Joseph Smith is a catholic saint, and we wrote him an outline for how to say a prayer and he read it verbatim out loud three times (which in all fairness is how it works in the catholic church) so it is going to be a very gradual process with him. We are considering passing him to the elders but we just kind of want to watch and see how things go for a while first.

I don't know a graceful way to finish this email, I guess I will just tell you guys all of the wonderful things in my life. I am serving with some of the most amazing people in the world. I love my companion, I love Sorella Clyde, and Sorella Sartena (the other two sisters in our district) and our elders are amazing. One of the elders has seen how much we have been struggling with work these last few weeks, and has been making sure to talk to woman on the street so that he can give us referrals (his name is Anziano Padilla) , and our district leader is amazing he's from North Italy and is doing a great job of making my companion feel important and loved. Also when he speaks english (his english is amazing) he sometimes directly translates italian into english so sometimes he starts off mass texts to the district with dear beautiful missionaries. (way normal in Italian, kind of startling in English), and everyone is so obedient and hard working, so there is no contention there, because we are all on the same page.

Also I have been reading Jesus the Christ along with the Bible recently (when you don't have investigators you get more freedom in what you study) and I have decided that even from a completely unchristian unbiased view the bible is a beautiful work of literature. Because Christ had to be more candid while talking to the Jews, a lot of doctrinal truths are buried in parables, and passing comments that he made to the apostles. By reading it along with Jesus the Christ I have been able to see just how much foreshadowing, and allusions there are in every few pages, and not just regarding the atonement. Even Lazarus being raised from the dead is foreshadowed. So even if you have zero belief in God, the bible is a beautiful literary work. I love you all miss you like crazy. I love this country, I love these people, I love the language, I love the food. I ate a pig brain the other day, that I did not love. Also I was on the radio. They asked me to do a broadcast about english course. uuummmmm.... I think that's about it.

Rough transitions = tears for mom

I'm having a really really really really rough week. This transfer was super hard on me. There is 0 work here. I have been yelled at by so many crazy angry people. We have had like three or four lessons here, and they have all gone terribly. We have had some really scary experiences this week. My companion is super full of energy which is awesome, but I am really struggling to keep up with her, and sometimes I have to call her out on stuff which is really hard on me. I hate correcting people. I miss Taranto a lot. With explaining Italian to a new missionary, I have lost a lot of my ability to speak. I just want to cry right now. I don't know what to do!!!!!! I don't feel any of the love that I should for this city. I have no idea what we are supposed to be doing and I just want to crawl up in a ball in my bed and hide from everything and everybody.

(All that being said, the following weeks have gotten much better)

I'm just stepping foot into Italy for the first time

The only word I can think to use to describe Taranto is rich, and rich in the vibrant sense rather than monetary. People are so purely Italian. They communicate more with their hands than with their words sometimes, the food is amazing, people are so emotionally drien

(I am not sure what that word was suppose to be, so use your imagination)

, and everyone hangs out in public squares in the evenings and just chats. I kind of feel like I'm just stepping foot into Italy for the first time, because Sicilia truly is it's own country, and Rome is so universal, but Taranto is Italy. Olive oil, mozzarella, pizza Italy. The ward is amazing. They are so loving and treat each other like family. We didn't have a meal appointment for after church on Sunday (which is totally normal) and one of the members tracked someone down for us to go home with, because missionaries lunching alone on Sunday, non si fa. We have had almost daily contact from the bishop (that NEVER happens, I have had to fight to get an appointment with the bishop in every ward I have served in), we have already gotten a referral!!! and last night a huge portion of the ward came to church in the evening to go less active finding. This ward is gold. The work moves forward in Taranto because the members are helping it, rather than fighting it.

So last week I was serving with Sorella Cherrington, but unfortunately she had to go home super short notice. So I had to drive up to Rome with our Senior couple, drop of Sorella Cherrington, and then pick up the beautiful Sorella Bair, and then drive back to Taranto. That was 12 hours in the car, just after riding 8 hours in the bus to get from Catania to Taranto. I'm pretty much tired of cars. So we are doing great except that we don't know our area, and we don't know how to get around, but the Lord is blessing us so much. I have never been able to learn a city that I have served in very well at all, but the Lord has blessed me with a huge ability to figure out where I am going. I'm so grateful for all the help he is giving us. :)

A busy week and a transfer.

I can't possibly in depth explain everything that happened this week so I'm going to write it in list form.

-I taught a lesson to a man who had never heard of Christ.
-I ate mexican and Phillipino food at two back to back meal appointments.
-I sang at an Italian\Sri Lanken wedding performed by a German minister.
-I sang at a funeral.
-I gave a talk at that same funeral.
-I got five minutes notice before giving that talk.
-I learned Italian hand motions.
-I ate blackberries off a vine by our house.
-I found out that I have been telling people for almost a year now, that I have a dear friend serving in Turkey speaking turquoise (I have no idea why no one corrected me)
-We left a card with someone and they actually called us.
-I found out I'm being transferred to Taranto.
-I spoke in church.
-I got five minutes notice before speaking in church.

The second photo is of one of the English course students in this area named Mario.

An Unexpected Change of Scenery

Ok so keeping with my theme of not hiding the difficult parts of a mission, and also because those who have served missions will understand pieces of what's going on and realize that something happened, I will just come out and keep everyone posted instead of letting you all jump to your own conclusions which are probably worse than what is actually happening.

So as many of you, (probably anyone that has ever spoken to me actually) know I struggle a little bit with anxiety. Loud noises, and anything unexpected have the tendency to really startle me. This anxiety is occasionally accompanied with a mild panic attack. Knowing that the stress of a mission could very well escalate this problem I went to see a doctor about regulating it, and she prescribed me a very very mild anti anxiety pill which I have been religiously taking for a few months now. Under normal circumstances this would have been more than enough to correct the problem, however, every now and again this type of medication can have an opposite effect. Apparently my body has an opposite reaction to pills that are supposed to be mood regulators. For example when I had my wisdom teeth removed and I was given laughing gas, instead of becoming giggly and care free I started to sob uncontrollably So the pill that I was taking to prevent panic attacks was causing panic attacks more severe than I ever have had before. This week I had one that was particularly bad, so my companion called the president and he made the decision to transfer me. So I got on a plane and went to Rome.

When I arrived in Rome I had an hour appointment with the mission doctor, who caught the problem, addressed it (I am going half dose this week, and then coming completely off next) and cleared me to go back to Siracusa, BUT through this experience president had spent a lot of time praying about where I should be, if I should be sent home, or transferred to a state side mission, or to a different part of Italy, and at first the only strong revelation he received was that my purpose was fulfilled in Siracusa and I was not to go back. So after to being cleared to return to Siracusa, president told me that he wasn't sure where to put me, just that it wasn't in Siracusa. So I spent the next day with a companionship in Rome 1. President eventually decided that I would be staying in Rome serving with Sorella Fossa who is from Milano. So here I am sitting at an internet point in the middle of Rome, and the last place on earth (well in Italy) that I expected to be.

It has been a really difficult situation. I cried more leaving Sicilia, than I did leaving America, but I can see now why this is where I am supposed to be. There were about 4 variables that led to me having these panic attacks, and if just one variable had been different I wouldn't have struggled with this at all, but they did and here I am. Also I already have a love for Rome and as much as I love Siracusa I can't imagine leaving here. I know this is where the Lord wants me to be. I can feel it. I wish that he had done it the more orthodox way through transfers, but maybe I, or someone else who was affected through this had something they needed to learn.

In fun happy news, one cool thing about leaving your "birth city" is that people stop looking at you as a greenie. Instead of going up to my companion to talk or fix appointments, because they assume I can't speak they come up to me! I even translated yesterday! It was rough. I finally decided that if I wasn't saying anything doctrinally incorrect, and that I was following the basic topic of the lesson, that I would make stuff up. There is a senior sister missionary in our ward who has agreed to let me practice on her until I get better.

So in summary there was a little bit of craziness this week but I am doing well and getting better.

Con amore,

Sorella Madyline Spencer

I found a picture of her on the mission blog. It isn't much, but I was happy to see her! (She is the blond to the right of the picture of the Savior.)

I just received another picture from an awesome mission mom! You know who you are. Thanks again for always coming through for me.